Amber City

Amber is not dead!

Almost felt like I didn't know who I was this past couple months not writing anything. Not just journals, but no working on the book or the screenplay, or the other book. I've been busy kids.

These past couple/few months have been some of the best of my life, simply because I have been surrounded by people. Most of them, people I actually like...lol.

For a while there I was only spending one night at home a week because every night I was at a different person's house. Old friends and new friends. Some friends I grew away from... some I grew closer to, and when things got really really shitty this week. I knew who was there for me, and a good number of them were. I can count my lucky stars one by one because my stars are the people in my life.

But in some conspiracy, the sky has aligned itself to fall on every persons head at once. And I don't mean, "oh, we're all a little depressed". No, it's been crisis level for nearly everyone I know at some point this month. All my stars are weeping.

Me personaly, I have to consolidate my loans and it's alot harder than it seems. In the end whatever monthly rate I owe the bank will determine if I get to move out with Cara next year (and I desperatly need to move out).

I switched jobs hoping to make more money on comission and it didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped. Training was really fun and I got to do the whole transition with Jen (my TWC BFF) but I just wasn't getting the hang of selling. Plus comission takes a while to see on your actual check so I am poor for a long while this summer.

I'm dating a guy. His parents liked me. I liked all his friends and vice-versa... but because I have put this relationship stuff off for so long, I suddenly realize I don't know what I'm doing, or what to expect. Don't know what's normal. Turns out this "being with someone thing" can be a major source of worry, misunderstanding, and hurt feelings... just as much as it is fun, happy, and rejuvenating.

So when I had to move back home I hated myself. When I moved out, I promised myself I would never move back there. It was bad for me and I deserved better. But then I got out of college, had no money, and things ar home had gotten better. Still I had let myself down and often couldn't be comfortable there. I found solice in my backyard, on the deck. I always loved that deck. Every year I would fix up the mangled patio furniture (because the Oxyer's do not know how to care for anything). I would paint the deck because the wind would blow splinters into it. And I would out up these twinkle lights along the deck and into the tree the hung over the yard.

I would take my laptop and sit out there for hours just writing and sipping coffee. When this house made me feel like I didn't belong, that yard had my name on it. I was my place. Sad, lonely, happy, whatever.

My mom decided while I was at work one day that she was going to have my tree. MY TREE cut down. She said that it was rotten and that she was worried it was going to fall on the house!!! I can swear to god there is no way that that tree could have touched the house if it had fallen. That tree was gorgeous and sat in the corner of the yard, blocking the view of our nosey neighbors, and hiding the ugly electric and cable lines. The electric company told her they wouldn't cut down the tree because it wasn't rotten and the lines weren't in danger.

At night when those twinkle lights were on and drooping through the tree it looked like a million dollar dinner party could be thrown out there ont hat deck.

Now it's gone. Cut up and carted away by people who wanted firewood. My fucking tree. My only lifeline here. I hate being on that deck now. The yard is now just ugly bushes and misplaced trees, and roses that won't bloom. The yard is dead to me. The deck is dead to me. My solace here is gone. And I do blame my mother. She knows she is the most horrible landscaper ever. She admits it. Secretly I think she did it because she knew I loved that tree like a pet.

Also. Yes it's wrong I'm gonna say this as an afterthought but my brother is dead to me. I am not a cold heartless bitch. I have given him so much. I have tried so hard with him. And he has betrayed me and lied to me and hurt our mother in ways so grand that I cannot say. He is another reason I never had solace here. Everyday I lock my bedroom door because trust stopped existing the first time I had to move out. My mother chose him over me, and thats ok because it was wrong of me to make her choose. I tried to forgive. I tried to give more... and still he's 26 and nothing has changed. He lost another job, and is getting his cigarrette money somewhere. I stopped looking at him. I stopped saying "what's up" if we passed in the hall. Then when I brought Chris home to meet mom. Denny passed, Chris said Hi, and Denny looked at him as if to say "fuck you" and closed the bathroom door.

Denny is dead to me.

I love my mother with all my heart and I would die if something ever happened to her... but this place isn't my home anymore and I need to leave. So loan people, work your magic and leave me some room to breathe... so I can go find a room to breathe in.

As I said, everyone I know is going through some crisis or another but this week for me was the worst. In college I was so boring. I didn't really drink much, didn't party. Mostly I watched tv, drank coffee, and saw movies with Julie. ALOT of movies. I believe it was something like 100 in 2 years. (We have these cards that give us 2 points for each movie and I was at 200).

Anyway I needed to see a movie, needed to. It is my old comfort zone and I haven't seen one in like 3 months or something. I had been trying to see V for Vendetta again at the dollar theater but Chris and I had missed it wednesday. So on thursday I thought me and Julie were going and that fell through, but Jen still wanted to go... so thank god we went. We saw The Breakup with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaghn.

I was already in a bad head-space and then that damn movie. Let me ruin it for you. They do not get back together. It was not a comedy. It looked like every other relationship I had ever seen. Basically it was only working for that long because the woman tried so hard. She went to football and baseball games all the time, and yet he refused to go to the ballet with her.

She went to work, cleaned up and cooked for a dinner party and simply asked that he entertain people while she finished dinner and he waited till the last minute to shower so she had to do that too.

She broke up with him hoping to wake him up to how much he was hurting her. She walked into the bedroom that night hoping he would knock on the door and change his ways. Instead he went to a bar. She set up dates with these guys in front of him hoping to make him see that she was a catch and try to get her back. Instead he invited slutty girls over to play strip poker... which she walked in on him in a disgusting situation.

Finally she tried to get him talking to her. She bought them tickets to thier favorite weird band. He said he would meet her there. She got there kind of excited, bought 2 beers, and stood by herself in a crowd until she couldn't anymore. That night he found her crying and she tried to explain that even when they were broken up, everything she did was to make things work for both of them and she couldn't do it anymore.

That night his best friend told him "that little girl didn't have a chance". Even with his best friend, they only ever did what Vince wanted to do. Vince never did what other people wanted... he just never saw them. He realized how much she had given to him and woke up.

Vince cooked Jennifer a whole meal and said he wanted to go to the ballet. And being very heartfelt said the night she cried was the worst night of his life and he had changed, and he had so many feelings for her. And she simply said "I don't feel the same way anymore. I don't have any more to give."

I don't pretend to know anything about relationships, but I know they are harder than I had assumed. I know there have been weeks when I spend 4 straight days with Chris... and other weeks when I might see him saturday. I know I get confused alot and ask myself "what did that mean?" I know there are things said or done that hurt my feelings and I don't speak up because I don't want to be a bitchy girlfriend. I know there are times when I feel unseen, or unheard, or dismissed. I also know the stress of both of our situations right now is adding to the hurt. But simply, I don't want to be Jennifer Aniston. I don't want to realize one day that I never told him what upset me, so I can't be mad that he never knew.

The good. I don't regret anything so far. I realized I am not dead inside. I know there are good ones out there, and it took me a long-ass time to find someone I liked, but that I did find one. I like learning his quirks, like how he snores hardest when he's wrapped around me. I like that he makes his funniest jokes and funniest voices right before we go to sleep. I like that he was excited to introduce me to his family, and friends. And those people are all great which can only say good things about him. I like that he wants to read my work one day, even if I haven't let him. I like that he was so excited when I helped him re-arrange the living room. I like that he made me a webpage that calculates my hourly wage based on commission, when I was worried that I wasn't making enough sales. I like that I finally like someone. I like that he was the first.

I just wish I knew how to do things better or different. Wish I knew how he felt. Wish I knew if it is ok to ask.